I’m learning new (well-known) secrets every day.
I’m trying to take small steps – like a crab walking sideways. Even though some might think I’m going backwards, I know I’m reaching my fuzzy goals.
Yet, I’m trying to convince myself that moving all the time is not needed. Taking a break – to swim with the corals and the creatures in the sea, for example – is also worth it.
I’m learning to breathe – swimming is easy, living is harder. So I’m learning to take deep breaths and let go. Of all the pain, guilt, and shame – like a floating boat in the calm ocean.
And when I learn to let go, I’ll be light enough and elevate myself to see the beauty of everyday life. From above!
From above! Far from all the vanity, social anxiety, and millennial discontent. Because it’s not the special Instagramable moments that matter but all the grey struggles we face every day. Struggles that help us build stable platforms on unstable souls. Like a stadium in the sea.
And then I’ll try to get to know myself. I’ll try to stop cutting my emotions with a knife of self-destruction and show the world my heart is not made of stone pushed by the waves of time.
But gold instead. Like her sweet heart of gold. And chocolate milk, and candy floss. And baby screams.
I’m also learning to be patient like a jewelry-maker. To build big memories out of small routines. Piece by piece, step by step.
Liana by liana.
Because I don’t want to rush through dark secrets, fake smiles, and wasted nights. My persona should be my bleeding Self – out of my cave of canoeing thoughts.
Therefore, I want you to be yourself, too. I want to learn to forgive you for all the pain you’ve caused. And sail my boat of anger away. “For free – just for you!”
I want to learn to cook potions of happiness. I might burn myself but I’ll try.
Because the fruit of our years can be sweet. Just look at her! (And your smelly hobbit toes.)
I’m learning to let myself to love you again. Despite the anger, meds, and hate. Because we are a team.
And in the end, I’ll try to love myself. To stop waiting for a ghost train that will never come. But run – run wild and free. Just like me… before.
Because I know dreams come true. Perhaps not exactly in the form of unicorns or fairies. But frankly, old elephants and cheeky monkeys will do. Like sweet street food.
I’m learning every day, but one thing I already know – my big dreams should equal my simple life. And I’m still alive!
Photos: Phuket, Phi Phi, Krabi, Bangkok, Damnoen Saduak Floating Market, Maeklong Railway Market, Ayutthaya – Thailand, 2019
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